Hey everyone and welcome to another RELATIONSHIP Blog post from our Love
Dating and Marriage, preached by Pastor Mildred Kingsley-Okonkwo. This week promises to be super exciting as we discuss SECRETS TO A QUARREL FREE MARRIAGE so jump right in…
It has become a very normal thing to quarrel and fight in marriage these days such that when you say you don’t quarrel in your marriage, it sounds as though you are lying or pretending. A couple of people say things like “they will not really tell you what is going on in their marriage”. Be it outside or inside or on top of or beneath, it is possible to have a quarrel free marriage and there are ways to safeguard it.
A lot of marriages will be safer and better if both husband and wife recognize that they are both on the same team.
A lot of factors can cause quarrel in marriage. Upbringing, In-laws, having no money, difference in perspectives in raising children, even something as little as a remote control can cause quarrels in marriage. Some practical things that can help you have a quarrel free marriage.
1. Never raise your voice when you have a disagreement:
Don’t raise your voice, no matter how angry you are, don’t shout.
“A soft answer turns away wrath”
There is a way you speak to someone such that you touch what is inside of the person and calm him down. It takes two to quarrel, so if your spouse is angry at you, choose not to shout or get angry or even say anything at all. The more you shout, the more emotions get heightened. If you have a naturally loud voice, then learn to whisper especially when you are angry. Don’t use your voice as an excuse.
2. Don’t be defensive:
Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.
When your spouse is telling you something, stop and listen. Don’t be too quick to explain, it comes across as being defensive. Once you start explaining, you miss the point of what is being said and then there is no room to correct yourself or improve. Even if you are right, still listen. When it comes to marriage what is important is what is right and not WHO is right. It is not about winning the argument, it is about winning in marriage.
You will need to learn to listen. Be quick to listen and slow to speak. People don’t get upset for nothing, so if your spouse is offended, then there is a reason. You might be genuinely and sincerely wrong and you don’t even know. Learn to get it from the other person’s perspective. Seek to understand first. People see things from different perspectives, at times you both might even be saying the same thing but drawing it from different angles. Learn to listen, let your spouse finish airing his grievance before you state yours
3. Don’t speak in generalities:
You never do anything for me
You always shout at me
That is the way women are, they don’t think
That is the way men are, they are selfish
You have never done anything romantic for me
When you speak in generalities, you are cancelling out instances of good that your spouse has done to you and concentrating on the bad. Rather than throw generalities around, pin point the exact issue and deal with it. Isolate the problem, let your spouse know, deal with that problem and then move on.
4. Be the first to apologize: This is hard for a lot of people but for marriage to survive, you need to learn how to say ‘sorry’. Being the first to apologize is a true test of your Christianity because it reveals what is in your heart and shows that you are not proud. Not saying I am sorry is you saying ‘you are beneath me and you need to apologize first’. That is pride. Always be the first to seek peace. No matter how angry you are or your spouse is, even if you are right still apologize. In marriage, the focus is WHAT IS RIGHT and NOT who is right.
5. No name calling: Don’t call your spouse names. Bad words stick faster and stays longer than good words. Insults have a way of messing things up and women especially will always hold on to the negative names you called them. It is easier to move on after an argument when insults are not involved. But when you name call, insult, demean, it is quite harder. Just because your spouse doesn’t see things your way doesn’t mean (s)he is stupid or less of a human being. At times your spouse can genuinely not mean to insult you but because words are in meaning and not in what is said, you can feel insulted. Be careful how you say things. It can be misinterpreted. Some people are also very sensitive. Learn how not to be offended or to offend.
6. Remind yourself not to expect your partner to be who and what God should be to you: A lot of times we just expect that our spouse should be everything to us. Your spouse cannot be everything to you. (S)he cannot. That is too much unrealistic expectations to put on a human being. And the thing about having unrealistic expectations unmet is that you get disappointed, resentment sets in and before long, you start to quarrel. No man can meet all your needs, some things are just reserved for God to fill and only Him alone. When you realize and understand this, you begin to practice being more patient with your partner. Also, learn to communicate more with your partner. Don’t sulk, talk. Nobody can read minds. Men don’t read minds. Women, talk to your husbands, communicate with him. Tell him the things that annoy you or things he does that gets you offended so that he can know and then avoid it. Marriage really is simple, we are the ones that make it seem complicated.
From whence come wars and fightings among you? come they not hence, even of your lusts that war in your members? Ye lust, and have not: ye kill, and desire to have, and cannot obtain: ye fight and war, yet ye have not, because ye ask not. Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss, that ye may consume it upon your lusts.
Marriage is not about what you can get but about what you can give. If you go into marriage with the expectation that your spouse will be and do everything for you, you will be thoroughly disappointed. The word is complete. It has solutions for every situation. Some issues you have with your spouse, the solution is locked up in the word. Learn to pray. Pray, pray, pray.
If this blessed you, we encourage you to please share on all your
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Till next time, please say this COVENANT we have out loud with us,
AS DAVID NEVER LOST A BATTLE, SO WILL GOD’S WALK WITH ME BE…